Gonna Have a Green Christmas - Kenya here we come!

We are trading foggy weather in the mid 50's for rainy weather in the low 70's and a Santa less Christmas! Trying to get a family of 6 (and with 3 little ones) means frequent trips to the store despite having packed 3 weeks ago! I think the extra time just allowed me to think of one more thing that seemed a "necessity"! Nothing like having an allowance of 12 pieces of checked luggage to convince one that you must pack a box of cheerios because that is baby boy's favorite cereal and we may not be able to find some in Nairobi!

I don't know if I am not really worried about being in transit for 24 hours with the little ones because I am learning not to borrow tomorrow's troubles or because the kids are pretty good listeners. However, as usually happens, well behaved kids always pick those times when they have an audience to act up - and they will have a captive audience of a couple hundred travellers in a confined space! A friend who recently travelled from Austria with a 2 year old and a 3 year old advised me to have very low expectations and hope to be pleasantly surprised! I also have prayer warriors on high alert! Our plan was to travel on the same date with my sister and her family for extra help, but our schedules did not allow for this.

I am so excited to see the little ones' sense of wonder as they go on their first safari and big brother playing the guide with one safari under his belt. I am also excited to spend a Christmas without the distraction of so much commercialization and to be able to fully contemplate the reason for the season! I told the kids Santa does not visit Kenya and it did not even faze them one bit! I think sometimes we project on our kids what we think they want, but they are totally okay with no gifts and just spending the day eating and playing! The kids are totally excited and telling everyone they meet they are going to Kenya. I wonder what they will be thinking after 11 hours in a plane on the first leg with another 8 hours to go for the second leg after a 10 hour layover

No Parenting Awards for Me Today!

Yesterday was a parenting failure day. Big Brother normally gets to borrow books from the school library on Fridays. He started looking for his library books yesterday morning before school and he was getting upset thinking he had lost them. I did not remember seeing new library books this week and since they had a field trip last Friday, I assumed they had not borrowed any last week. Instead of taking the time to really listen to big brother who was trying to tell me they went to the library on Thursday because of the field trip, I simply decided I did not have time to deal with the tears and worry. I was more stern and impatient than I should have been and left him even more upset – nobody likes not to be “heard”. From my actions, it was obvious that my priority was to get to work a little earlier than to spend an extra five minutes being kind and empathetic. And for that, I let Big brother start his school day sad and I spent the rest of my day feeling like a failure and disappointed at myself. And also feeling like a total fraud because just that Sunday during lunch out, several people came up  to us telling us how impressed they were at how well behaved all the kids were and what a good parenting job we were doing!

The fact that big brother was right – I found the missing books later in the day – only served to make me feel worse. However, I used this as an opportunity to apologize to Big Brother and let him know that mommy sometimes messes up. Hopefully, seeing a person he thinks the world of humble themselves enough to admit they were wrong and apologize planted a seed in his heart. And precious boy that he is - his forgiveness was immediate and unconditional. I think of how many times the Holy Spirit convicts me and instead of humbling myself and asking for God’s forgiveness, I dig in and make all sorts of excuses and justifications. Hopefully, this is a lesson for me to be quick to take correction from the Holy Spirit so that I can delight in the freedom found in God’s forgiveness.

Evil + Silence = Murder of a Child

Police Report

A picture of a starving orphan in Ethiopia will soften any heart and open up wallets during adoption fundraising efforts. But people meeting a starving former orphan who has spent a couple years in a middle class adoptive home in America somehow does not seem to soften the same heartstrings. At least not enough to make an anonymous call to Child Protective Services. If only one of the people who are now giving the police statements on the abuse Hana Grace-Rose and Immanuel Williams suffered had done so before Hana was murdered. And that a group of mothers would sit together with the murderer in the same knitting club and listen to her openly discuss her dislike for Hana and how horrible the adoptive children were , how she regretted ever adopting them and how Hana was made to stay outside amongst other atrocities. Not a single one of these mothers made a call to CPS. After the fact, none seemed too surprised and questioned themselves about the mom’s involvement in Hana’s death. Where were they when Hana was alive? Why didn't they speak up when they knew what was going on. Evil does not happen in a vacuum; mostly it is because good people remain silent.

Have we discussed ad nauseum the difficulties of raising older adopted children and painted ourselves as martyrs to be pitied that we get a pass when publicly mistreating our adoptive children? Has the pendulum swung so far that we have lost basic notions of love and kindness or are those notions not reserved for children from tough places? Where is the outrage from adoptive parents? Where is uproar over the injustices these two children suffered? Instead of revulsion and outrage towards parents who would treat any child the way Hana and her brother were treated, there is a rush to look for excuses for the parents and for books and people to blame.

Where are the voices of waiting prospective adoptive parents who were berating the Ethiopian government for the slowdown in Ethiopian adoptions? The actions of an evil couple are going to most likely make it an even tougher sell that Ethiopian children should be entrusted to American adoptive parents. I think it would be good for the Ethiopian government to hear loud and clear that all adoptive parents do not hold the same worldview as this couple nor the other adoptive families who watched the abuse in silence.

The police report reads like a horror story. The doctor concluded that HGW died from a culmination of chronic starvation caused by a parent’s intentional food restriction, severe neglect, physical and emotional abuse and stunning endangerment. May this not be the endnote of Hana’s life. Hopefully when we see a child being treated worse than we would allow a dog to be treated, may we not be so quick to give the parents a pass simply because they are raising a child from a hard place. A child’s very life might depend on it.

A six month recap!

February – celebrate 3 kids birthdays and once again I am proud that I keep to my guns of no birthday parties or presents. Because Lord knows the kids have more than enough toys and it is an uphill battle to teach them gratitude when they have more toys than they know what to do with! This year we kept it very simple – a family dinner at a place of the kids’ choosing and cake and ice cream at home. After all you can eat pizza and a trip to MacDonalds, I think I am done with fast food for a while. But the kids are as happy as can be – the highlight of their day was blowing out candles! They did not stop talking about their birthdays for a month! Shhh… not letting them in on the fact that most American kids think it is their constitutional right to get tons of presents on their birthday!

March – celebrate daddy’s birthday and the daddy extraordinaire that he is, instead of a nice grown up dinner where he could eat good food while still hot, he opts to celebrate his special day at a place no one goes to for the food, but where it is noisy, filled with flashy lights, tons of kids and a big stuffed rat! The kids had a wonderful time and looking forward to daddy's birthday next year - we did get him a second dinner of his favorites! I am so thankful that the Lord chose him to be the father of our kids – he is a wonderful dad who loves playing with his kids no matter how tired he is and really enjoys spending time with them.

April – celebrate Easter and again skip the customary Easter baskets and instead focus on what Easter is really about! We did go Easter egg hunting and my little Ms. OCD took one look at the grass filled with thousands of easter eggs and got really upset that someone would make such a mess! She did do a good job cleaning up though! A new member joins our family – our sponsored girl in a Ugandan orphanage and we begin daily praying for her and praying that mommy and big brother might be able to take a mission trip to visit her next year.

May – a time to celebrate my role as a mom and oh what joy it is having a day where I don’t have to think about what’s for breakfast, lunch, dinner or washing dishes! And as an extra bonus, I got a week’s worth of laundry folded! What bliss! Enjoyed a marvelous lunch at a Pakistani/Indian restaurant and homemade cards and flowers from the chief.

            
June – celebrate another birthday and I am now mommy to a 7 year old! Where did the time go? Another trip for pretend fair food at a mini amusement park (which said 7 year old still does not know is recommended for 0-5 year olds)! But the kids again had a great time and birthday boy’s special day also coincides with a whirlwind visit from overseas friends and family and he gets to go on a Duck Tour in the City and is serenaded by the captain. This also marks the college graduation of the world’s greatest babysitter and we are happy as clams at the homestead! Mommy and daddy are happy that the kids are once again in excellent hands (she was with us 2 summers ago) and it also does not hurt that she is an excellent cook! Not looking forward to when she leaves for grad school, but in the meantime, everyone is dusting off their musical instruments and making some noise (she majored in music)! We also had big brother’s piano recital and he looked oh so serious! Celebrate father’s day and once again enjoy Pakistani/Indian Cuisine – I think this might be a family tradition. We don’t have to contend with crowds, long wait times or having to remember to make reservations weeks ahead of time. Daddy also manages a couple of trips to Universal Studios - sans mom who nfortunately has to work and misses out all the fun! We are able to do a few excursions to the beach and the kids are fearless around water - I really need to sign them up for lessons. Big brother was in our local swim team last year, but a pool that is not heated + early morning swim practice = a shivering boy who was not too excited to return to the team this year.

July – enjoy out town's Fourth of July parade, lunch with friends and fireworks at the park! I also sort the kids’ clothes and toys and clean up the garage. After spending 14 hours doing this, I am glad that we are in the "no more toys" phase! Large families on both sides + 4 kids + birthdays + Easter + Christmas = a house and garage filled with toys! Looking at the possible thousands of dollars spent on toys that we were giving away (and which the kids rarely play with and sometimes forget they have) I wish this was an ideal world where the money spent on the presents would be given in the kids’name to either a family adopting or an orphanage. We tried suggesting that last year without much success - the kids are well loved and I think adults get so much joy giving presents to kids feel like the children might feel cheated  if they don’t get presents! We have so many educational toys which cost a pretty penny and if there were all they were cracked up to be, I should be raising 4 Einsteins! The kids are very simple in their wants - give them a ball, some bubbles, some play clothes and mommy's tupperware and they are entertained for hours.  It is amazing how creative in play they are with just a few cheap items. We also enjoy God’s amazing creation amidst the California's redwoods on our annual family camping trip. The kids once again do amazing and have not stopped talking and asking about camping! Hoping I can rustle up the energy to do a quick weekend camping trip about an hour away.

The Egyptian Crisis Through the Eyes of a 6 Year Old!

Big brother turned on the t.v. the other day to watch a cartoon and as luck would have it, the t.v was on a news channel and he inadvertently watched coverage of the demonstrations in Egypt. As he saw the "peaceful" demonstrators throwing stones at the police, he was so perturbed and exclaimed, "mommy, mommy, those bad guys are trying to kill God!"  Not sure I won any parenting awards, because I did not really explain the significant news story of the day that is even preempting coverage of congress woman Gifford's recovery and whose outcome is likely to change the world (though not likely in a positive way). I mean, after all these years of teaching big brother we always use our kind words even when we disagree, how do I tell him that tens of thousands of grown ups were using rocks and stones to make their point! And this was a reminder that I need to ramp up our religious education - never occurred to me that at 6 he did not know of the everlasting attribute of God! So, I took the easy route and only reassured him that God is everlasting and ignored the rock throwers!

Sidenote: Egypt is the country that makes me think I am losing my mind when I find myself in disagreements at the water cooler as I point out to seemingly knowledgable sounding co-workers that Egypt is in Africa. I get some pitying looks from some who will never even glance at a simple world map (even if it is to "prove" me wrong)! How the American educational system has failed us!

Political Correctness Run Amok - MLK Day

At four, big brother was finally let into the secret of different skin colors during an MLK celebration at his pre-school. I think that this is something that kids figure out in due time without our help and the irony was not lost on me that a celebration of Martin Luther King's life's work to teach that we are all created equal, Big Brother finally learnt that we are different. Now this is in a private pre-school so it was not as if there was some State mandate to teach this.

Fast forward two years later, and big brother's first grade class is treated to a movie presentation of Martin Luther King's assasination. Granted it is a cartoon, and maybe I am rather slow in feeding my six year old a diet of cartoon images of violence and death, but still I think it is a bit much. I think in our efforts to out do each other in how much we esteem diversity (never mind the fact that I live in a supposedly pretty liberal and diverse state, but where racial segratation is the norm in most neighborhoods) I think sometimes we forgo commonsense. I am having to fast track teaching my six year old about prejudice and hatred based on race because the public school system in its quest to be politically correct has introduced concepts that I think are a bit premature for six year olds. Kids can be pretty cruel on their own and in trying to find their place in the playground pecking order, I think sometimes in our politically correct world, we give them things to add to their arsenal. I am sure most four year olds leave alone six year olds do not intrinsically use race as a weapon in the pecking order wars, but I think adults introduce this concept, even when we think we are doing good. Not sure this is really what MLK fought for and died for.

Mental Retardation, Autism, PDD-NOS........

Just when I thought I had my mind wrapped around Baby Boy's autism diagnosis, I get thrown for a loop! We have been getting Baby Boy services based on his developmental pediatrician's provisional diagnosis of autism and the school district testing has all been geared towards getting an I.E.P in place to best address his needs based on an autism diagnosis. Today we had more testing with a psychologist from the Regional Center to determine if the Regional Center would continue providing services past age three. I may be totally reading it wrong, but it seemed like the psychologist came into the testing trying to discount Autism. The psychologist did not even know that we had been seing a developmental pediatrician (probably because she had not read his file - something she could have been doing during the 30 minutes we were waiting past our appointment as she chit-chatted with the receptionist).  She found the report after I pointed out it had been faxed months ago and she quickly skimmed through it before beginning the testing. The thing she immediately latched on was that the diagnosis was provisional - said that fact really helped her, but at the time I was not really sure why. The testing that had been scheduled for 3 - 4 hours only took 1 1/2 hours which included asking all the intake questions (that were already on his file) and also included the psychologist keeping up with her texting! Boy did she try to get baby boy to "pass" his test! She would get into his line of vision, loudly call his name and work totally hard to make eye contact! She also spent 20 minutes trying to get him to feed a doll. She does get an A+ for effort! When the test was completed, she told me he seemed to make good eye contact (any child would if you kept at it for almost an hour) and he had good pretend play skills! Wow, if someone repeatedly showed me and told me to do the same thing more than thirty times in a twenty minute time span, I am not sure that would qualify for good skills! She would ask qualifier questions to try to discount things that everyone has observed that fall on the autism spectrum. She then concluded the indications were more in line with mental retardation and the school district would best address his needs! Bottom line was she felt he would not qualify for Regional Center Services.

She could be a psychologist worth her title and a pretty efficient one at that that she takes less than 1/2 the time others in Baby Boy's team take to do the same testing, but the fact that she begun the testing already wanting to discount autism while others seem to be leaning in that direction and the fact that she contracts with the regional center and it would be in the Regional Center's best interests to get a diagnosis that they would not be obligated to pay for services makes me a little suspicious. That and the not comforting discovery while researching Mental Retardation that African American children are much more likely to get a mental retardation diagnosis while white children get an autism diagnosis when presenting with the same behaviors. Not sure if it is denial and I still want to hold on the the dream that baby boy could very well be an autistic savant sinces he occasionally dispays some flashes of brilliance. A mental retardation dx kinda puts a damper on that dream (never mind the probability of that actually being the case is practically nil - there are only about 25 known living autistic savants). But a mama can dream! Oy Vey!

How Old is Santa?

Question from Mr. Inquisitive aka Big Brother. And how do I answer this one? At 6 1/2, Big Brother is still writing notes to Santa. The other day, he wondered if hundreds of years ago, kids still got visits from Santa. Blind to where this would lead, I quickly answered yes. And then came the question -  how old does that make Santa?  Not sure I want to let Big Brother into the secret yet, what with it being so close to Christmas and currently fighting a battle to keep on top of all the sciences related questions Big Brother asks which constantly have me researching late into the night. The other day, Big Brother looked at me with wide eyes, surprised that mama did not have the answer to some abstract scientific question he had! I think my parents got a respite - I was in high school before I finally figured out my parents were not the reservoirs of all knowledge that I previously thought they were.

Though making this humanities leaning mama sweat trying to brush up on her science knowledge, Mr. Inquisitive is still so very sweet and for Christmas, only asked for two additions to his Thomas the Train collection - according to him, he did not want Santa to hurt his back by carrying too many presents! When I told him that Santa might not find the exact trains he wanted, he joyfully told me that Santa does not give up. Said Santa is like an artist - he would keep on trying until he finds the exact presents kids want! So Santa has his work cut out this year - they are no longer making the die-cast take along Thomas trains and finding the older ones is a treasure hunt.


Fortunately, I have some time before the twins start wanting to know the mysteries of the world! Right now, they think mommy and daddy make the sun rise and set! We had our second meeting I.E.P and they were true to form. What with three people giving them their undivided attention, trying to get them to play with all the cool toys and mommy being a bit distracted because she spent three hours answering hundreds of questions. They played, chatted and all around tried to impress their new friends. I am sure people in other offices could not believe there were only two kids in the room! The school psychologist later told me that I am a mom who gets it and praised how calm I was when re-directing the kids. Made me feel like a fraud, because that same morning, I would not have gotten any best mommy awards as I was trying to get three kids dressed and fed. They all seemed to be conspiring against me by choosing the morning when we had limited time to be the morning when they did not have appetites (not good if we were going to have a 3 hour appointment) and needed to put in a day's worth of play into an hour in the morning. Testing is good and bad - puts into focus concerns you usually ignore or become immune to,  and also cause unnecessary stress as you begin to wonder what some of the testing is pointing towards.  But, we will enjoy the Christmas season - the kids are fascinated with Christmas decorations and we have been driving around some nights to see some homes and the kids are in heaven seeing all the Christmas lights.

Not Exactly Oprah's Favorite Things, But......

I caught the tail end of Oprah today and saw the joy on the faces of the receipients of this year's Oprah's (and her sponsors') generosity. And boy did they get some good stuff. But, I am not sure the joy of a mommy getting warm fleece footed pajamas from daddy and the kiddos just because, along with some sappy love notes from said daddy and kiddos (written with the help of a guy who would never be accused of being a romantic) compares. Or the joy of a son declaring for all the world to know that I am the best mommy in the world! All because I took advantage of IHOP's kids eat free on Tuesday nights (and got a respite from cooking)! But shush, don't let big brother in on this. Big brother is sure easy to please! We used to take go out for lunch every Sunday after church, but it started getting a bit more tricky with three little ones who had missed their morning nap and who had not yet mastered the finer points of eating out while sleepy. So, it has been awhile since we had eaten out and from the way big brother was enjoying his Mac and Cheese, you would have thought he was eating at a fine French restaurant! Oh, the simple joys if only we just looked around and stopped looking for joy in stuff (and I have had my years of daydreaming about being the recipient of some of Oprah's favorite things). Tonight as I am taking a long overdue break from my daily routine and as I drink coffee in my fleece footed pajamas and watch daddy make a mess as he feeds the kids before he puts them to bed and we watch an episode of Outsourced,  I realize I have all my favorite things all under one roof!

This and That!

My, my, where did the summer go? Between Baby Boy's three hospitalizations (not a good idea for a resident doctor to let a patient go directly home from the ICU. Even daddy and the nurses did not think it was a good idea. Why? Because, the patient will be back the next day for his next hospitalization), five weddings with one out of state (hooray for all the wonderful brides who had organized childcare and activities for the kids during the weddings), baby girl 's debut as a flower girl where she took her role very seriously and was an absolute angel (with the expert guidance of her oldest brother, who at 6, thinks he is an old pro at this wedding thing. What with being  a ring bearer 4 times already under his belt), birthdays for Big Brother and mommy, Baby Girl and Baby Boy starting preschool and Big Brother starting first grade, having out of state and out of country guests for most of the summer, life has been a little busy in our neck of the woods!

Baby Boy is thriving in preschool (he had better, the good peeps of my state are investing over $40,000 a year for part-time preschool. And what does $40,000 buy him? A class with a 1: 1 teacher, student ratio - the teacher is actually an early intervention specialist, speech therapy 3 times a week, lots of field trips and physical and occupational therapy.  In the last two weeks, he has had an explosion of language and since he started preschool and using the Picture Exchange Communication System (PECS), he is not frustrated at home at our inability to understand his babbling and gestures!  He has become his old joyful self, is able to communicate much better and does not whine all day long. He does give his teachers a run for their money - he is usually described as the adorable kid who is very, very busy!  His killer smile earns him lots of lap time with his teachers, and he refuses to follow most directions at school (though he has no problems following directions at home). He needs someone to redirect him most of the time he is in school.  I have tried giving some strategies to the school to ensure compliance, but what do I know - I am just the mommy, and they are the experts who have studied behavior modification!

Baby Girl's early intervention specialist also recommended a center setting for her since she is so social and would enjoy interacting with other kids. She goes to the same school as Baby Boy, but a different class. However, we are reconsidering our decision. She absolutely loves school and leaves the house skipping and dancing in the morning, but she has regressed in her language acquisition skills. She is a sponge and has an amazing ability to imitate the other children in her class (most have special needs). Though this will hopefully engender empathy, I really think we should pull her out and mainstream her next year.  Not sure the people of our wonderful state are getting a bang for their money in investing in her education at this point!  $40,000 a year for a child to socialize with other kids for 25 hours a week seems a little excessive when our state is almost declaring bankruptcy! She still loves dancing and singing and spends her time at school trying to fix her teachers' hair!  They describe her as absolutely delightful and after going to bed late one night, the school called very concerned because she was not her normal playful, talkative self.

At 2 1/2 years, the twins insist it would be in our best financial interest to buy stock in a diaper company. Both will happily sit on the potty for almost an hour, sing, talk and read books, but so far, no success. We have been working on this for months and after feeling maybe a bit smug in my abilities to potty train after it only took four days to fully potty train Big Brother at 23 months, I guess it is time for a dose of humility in this area. Baby Boy is pretty good at telling me he has a wet diaper,  I just cannot get him to tell me before the fact! Totally surprised that Baby Girl who is my OCD princess when it comes to cleanliness does not seem fazed by icky diapers!

Ah, next year. We begin the wonderful world of IEPs and have several meetings with the school district team which involves a child psychologist, speech therapist, occupational therapist, physcial therapist, special ed teacher, audiologist and nurse.  After the initial asssement, they decide if they need to add others to the team. My head is already spinning and I have only had one meeting of at least four. 

Baby Girl 2, that girl is something! At 1 1/2, she speaks up a storm, and not single words, thank you very much, but three or four word sentences! I have lost count of the words she can say. Not sure if this will last - her older sister also started language by skipping single words and saying complete sentences, but she now seems to have hit a wall and regressed in her language skills. Baby Girl 2 is one smart cookie, she bullies her older siblings with the biggest smile on her face, and instructs them when to sit on the potty throughout the day, reads to them and is actually initiating potty training on her own.  She is probably our most attached child, has always had a preference for mommy and daddy over anyone else and is now getting a strong case of separation anxiety. At home, she smiles and laughs all day long and does naughty things with a mischevious look daring you to come get her! And then, she runs off as fast as she can, laughing and saying she is sorry! Timeouts for her???? She spends them singing and dancing! I think she will be the kid who most keeps us on our toes!

Big Brother loves first grade though he never seems to remember what he learned in school because he says the day is soooooo long!  I can see his point - coming from 3 1/2 hours of school last year to 6 1/2 hours a day this school year  must be a shock to the systems of most 6 year olds!  He is still loving science, geography and math and can add complex numbers in his head.  He is fascinated by geography and maps and I have lost count of how many times I am googling things! He still loves astronomy, and of course his first love - trains! He saved up all his pennies and was able to go on a snow train ride a few months ago that he still talks about. A 6 hour trip ended up being 10 hours because the train broke down, but he was not complaining. He loved every second of it! He is now big brother alright, playing school and always making sure he is the teacher, bosses his younger siblings, but still very protective of the baby. She gets away with anything with him! She messes with his trains and he does not bat an eye - just smiles at her and fixes them. Not the same reaction for the twins! He is still enjoying soccer (last year he was super competitive and we tried instilling in him the value of putting in his best effort and having fun and not being obsessed with winning. He seemed to have taken the lesson too much to heart along with all his teammates! They have been creamed most of their games! We are now having to go back to the drawing board and teach him the basics of soccer - the intent is not to let every child have a chance at kicking the ball, nor is it kosher to just run around hoping the ball is kicked your way!  We are teaching him it is okay to get competitive every now and then, though he remindes us frequently it is not all about winning, but having fun.  Oh when kids start throwing your words back at you!  He is enjoying piano and is making his daddy proud by still taking Karate - after three years, I think he is ready to give it a break. But don't let his black belt dad know that!

Life-Saving Insomnia!

The first night home after three great days away camping (where the kids were just as super as last year), I went to bed leaving daddy-o getting frustrated because his insomnia was rearing its ugly head. About 4:30 a.m. he heard one of the kids and thought Baby Girl was awake and goofing around. His first thought was to ignore her, but then figured she would wake her sister up. Only it was not Baby Girl, but Baby Boy in the next room who thrashing around and gasping for breath. Daddy-o woke me up and even with my sleep interrupted (not my best time of day), I got some supernatural calm and had the presence of mind to start his breathing treatments and call for an ambulance. My sleep-induced foggy mind did not allow me to think it was something very serious but decided to play it safe instead of driving baby boy myself to the ER. Best decision ever - by 5:00 a.m., baby boy was at the local emergency room in severe respitory distress. Somehow, my rational mind was asleep, because I bought the now not very believable reason the paramedics gave for why the ambulance had sirens and lights on. I also did not see through a nurse's attempts to distract me by asking me the same questions over and over as ten medical professionals worked on my son who was a code blue upon arrival. Words like intubation somehow did not penetrate my mind! The adrenaline did not start kicking in until all the action was over, the doctors had thanked us for bringing a little excitement to a slow night and they had told me how serious my son’s presenting condition was.

Baby boy earned himself a transfer to the ICU at our local children’s hospital and once again, he was such a marvelous patient. Even with an IV sticking out of his neck (they did not have the luxury of time in the ER to get one on his arm), he still charmed all the doctors and nurses. He was Mr. Cool and insisted on always wearing (and even sleeping with) his sunglasses and daddy’s hat. He is such a good patient – very forgiving even when the nurses and doctors kept prodding him and interrupting his sleep. He spent a week lapping up all the attention of either mom or dad, his visitors and was a favorite of the nurses and doctors. His beautiful smile and goofy get up of a hospital gown, hat and sunglasses bought him countless pictures from one of the nurses! After a week at the hospital, I am so happy to be back home, so thankful to God for watching out for Baby Boy and allowing for daddy-o’s insomnia that night and so happy to actually be able to talk to, play with and kiss the other kiddos instead of seeing them in passing on the drive home as we traded places daily with daddy-o. My heart really goes out to parents with hospitalized children and I would really want to find a way to minister to a mom or dad – hopefully from the outside and not the inside!

Autism Speaks.

Baby Boy’s recent hospitalization had given me a break from worrying about our impending visit with the developmental pediatrician. But my days of blessed denial that things were just not right were short lived – though I have felt really at peace in the last two days about the possible diagnosis. I had refused to do any research on autism, choosing not to worry over things I could not change. About an hour and a half into the doctor's appointment, I had to remove my head from the sand – nothing like getting a Modified Checklist for Autism in Toddlers to force you to face reality! Baby Boy has regressed in some areas since our last testing in December, but he shows slight improvement in others. We now have a provisional diagnosis of autism and the doctor will also be doing some testing to rule out some genetic disorders. I had not let my mind go to what this might mean, but I finally broke down at the doctor’s office. The kind of doctor she is did not help my resolve to be strong -she is the most amazing doctor I have ever met – she is so caring, compassionate, kind and the best advocate any child could ever ask for. She even apologized because she was fifteen minutes late – which was not a big deal since we were seeing the nurse during the wait. She showed real empathy for what this means, and she was really struggling and hoping that the tests she was doing as well as the questionnaire were not pointing at what she was suspecting. This is the greatest practice I have ever seen, she was not fazed even one bit when she walked in and two tired and wired toddlers had gone to town with all the toys in her office, her nurse also kept Baby Girl company for two hours, playing with her and taking her for a walk and they both offered to help me get the kids to the car. The doctor also gave me her cell phone number to call with any questions, concerns or for help to get my son additional services. She did not try to paint an unreasonably rosy picture – she assured me it could be a very tough road (the spectrum is so wide and we don't know where Baby Boy falls) and doctors are still a very long way from understanding autism, let alone getting a cure.

Everything now makes sense – Baby Boy’s speech therapist, early intervention specialist, case manager as well as occupational therapist had all been asking if I had considered center-based care so that Baby Boy’s needs could be provided under one roof. I was a bit confused since he is getting all his services under one roof – the therapists do weekly home visits – but I think they all suspected autism, but no-one wanted to say the word! This is the new territory we will be exploring – the developmental pediatrician also made recommendations for some centers and advised that he needs daily one-on-one intensive therapies. I am heart-broken. This means separating the twins and for 20-25 hours a week, removing him from the one secure place he has known. I am also terrified that I will mess this mommy thing – my formerly very cuddly and compliant son is now really testing the boundaries, becoming extremely independent and more frustrated at our inability to understand him. I grew up in a family where children’s obedience was expected and nothing raises my blood pressure more than seeing disobedient and disrespectful children. I have been working hard to establish this same expectation for my kids. How do I strike the balance between not letting my great empathy for my son make me swing to the other extreme and become too permissive with him (and possibly turn him into a little monster) or have unreasonable expectations that he cannot meet because of what is going on neurologically? Today, I am broken and I will let my heart grieve. Tomorrow, I will raise my chin, put on my big girl pants and continue advocating for baby boy. Dear, darling boy, you have been dealt a lot, but mommy and daddy will go to the ends of the earth to try and help you overcome your obstacles. And even more importantly, your Heavenly Father can take the ashes of what seems to be a bleak picture and bring Glory to Himself. I cannot wait to see how He will use you. I love you so much Baby Boy, my heart could explode.