Happy Birthday Babyboy!

Oh, babyboy, babyboy! You smile can melt a glacier and you love, love, love, cuddles. You laugh and dance and play, play, play! You give millions of wet, slobbery kisses and all the ladies want to steal you and take you home! You want to be just like your big brother and have taken to carrying around your blankie just like him! You bring out the mommy bear in me and together for the last five months we have taken on the big bad guys and there is victory in sight! Between your killer smile and mommy's vow to advocate for you, you will get speech therapy and be able to tell mommy all the adorable things that make your eyes twinkle! You work so hard at sign language and keep mommy on her toes learning sign. You are so gentle with everyone and especially with your baby sister (unless one of your siblings takes your food)! You fool us all the time - being shy around strangers most of the time and then on your birthday being Mr. Personality and flirting with all the girls, dancing with ChuckeE and having a blast playing all the machines! Hard to believe you have been ours only ten months - it feels like you have always been a part of our family. So thankful that God entrusted you in our care. We love you bunches!

Happy Birthday BabyGirl

We love you Ms. Sunshine! You fill our home with tons of joy and laughter. You are our resident tom-boy, but at the same time all girly. You oh so patiently let mommy fix your hair and always reward my efforts by running to the mirror and saying pretty! You are a social butterfly and love mothering your siblings. You don't sit still long enough for lots of cuddles, but you make sure everyone gets their kiss and hug for the day. You love your doll and toy stroller and you are a girl after your mother's heart - you love books. You love cleaning and helping and you never miss anything around you! I wish I understood some of your animated stories that you love to tell complete with dramatization, dancing and singing! You turned two but you insist to everyone who will listen that you are six! Don't grow up too fast babygirl! Oh how I love you my baby doll.

Baby Boy

Nothing cheers up a dreary waiting room in a speech, physical and occupational therapy practice like a joyous child with a million dollar smile who totally flirts with all the ladies, playing peek a boo, smiling, and running off laughing in glee as soon as they come near him! This was the best waiting room experience I have ever had – Baby boy left everyone smiling and gave everyone some Christmas cheer! This is major progress for baby boy because for the first few months home, he was very reserved and had a lot of anxiety around strangers. Baby boy got his second speech therapy evaluation which just reaffirms the conclusions of his first one in August – he has delays in his expressive and receptive language and needs speech therapy. Now if we can only find a slot for him – the practice his health insurance contracts with to provide the services has a 1 – 2 year waiting list and they cannot know for sure how long he will need to wait since it all depends on the length of time their current patients require therapy. But, I am grateful for a possible workaround – if we can get a letter stating that there is a long waiting list, the regional center can provide services until a slot opens up. Now, if we can only get that ever elusive letter!

Baby boy also had his appointment with the developmental pediatrician and it was worth the wait to be able to get in. We got 3 ½ hours totally devoted to my son - testing by a child psychologist, time with a pediatric nurse and then an hour with the developmental pediatrician. I can’t tell you just how wonderful of a practice this is – everyone is so focused on your child and they make you feel like they have all day just for your child. They view your child as a person and really work hard to know your child. They are all playful and the pediatrician did not mind at all that my son wanted to sit on her lap so that he could play with her necklace. She actually let him sit on her lap for a long time and cuddled and rocked him to sleep while she talked to us! The best part is that they will advocate for your child! They were aghast at how difficult it has been to get my son speech therapy and told me they would contact all the responsible parties. They also wanted to know what baby boy's lawyer that the good people of our state are paying had done to ensure that baby boy is getting all the services he needs. The doctor even called me the following day with a possible workaround – referring my son to a day program where they provide early intervention services which would include speech therapy. We will have to think this one through though – it is a mental health program and the children they serve seem to have significant mental health issues. My husband is worried about our son getting labeled and we would really love to keep our son at home during the day instead of in a program. The bonding with him has been great and we do not want to jeopardize this – plus we would be separating the twins and he may get anxious about this. We feel very hopeful about something working out soon with speech therapy. This visit was very good and it laid some of my fears to rest – auditory processing and/or neural development issues and/or autism. The doctor felt the speech delays were simply a result of less than ideal environments both in utero and the first 8 months of baby boy’s life. A huge sigh of relief and a lot of gratefulness for extraordinary medical professionals who go the extra mile. Also can't fail to thank the extra ordinary public health nurse who coordinates baby boy’s medical care. She has a caseload of 400 kids, but yet she treats each one like they are her only patient. She shows real empathy, does a lot of outside the box thinking looking for resources outside the “government plan” and really advocates for “her” kids. She totally makes up for all the apathetic government employees and works hard to redeem our reputation! Baby boy also has had three emergency room visits related to his asthma. The care there has been extraordinary, the nurses and doctors are not only warm and caring to the patient, but also offer mom and dad warm blankets and drinks during the wait and keep us informed about what is going on! The last time we got quite the royal treatment – 9 medical personnel within 3 minutes of our arrival were working on baby boy and several had their phones out calling for more personnel – we were clueless and just thought it was a slow night! Turns out his O2 saturation was 70% per a faulty triage nurse’s pulse oxitometer. Once he was hooked up to a different machine and the all clear was given, our local sheriff’s department showed what real heroes are made of - they protected our delicate sensiblities by sternly warning a patient against using foul language as a child and lady were within hearing distance! Chivalry is still alive and well! So thankful to live in a country with great medical care where we have the luxury to complain about the time it takes to see countless medical experts whereas many mothers around the world don’t have access to even basic immunizations for their children.

All in all baby boy is doing great and he just can not resist the temptation to play with the ornaments on the Christmas tree. We have gates everywhere, but he seems to find just that perfect moment when we let our guard down. It has been awhile since we have had little hands not able to resist the temptation of taking down the ornaments and it is really just such a blessed feeling. I love me this baby boy and oh how baby boy loves his momma. He screams with pure joy as soon as I come through the door and he sure knows how to brighten up my day. Even when he gets into trouble, he still smiles at mommy through the tears and will hug me to make everything okay.

Falling Through The Cracks..........

When we made the decision to adopt, I made a promise to my children to be their biggest advocate. And by golly, do I try. I research, I ask questions, I seek out professionals and follow their recommendations to a t. But, it seems like the professionals never got my memo about advocating for my children! It has taken me three months to get a letter stating that my son’s health insurance does not cover speech therapy so that the Regional Center that provides speech, occupational and physical therapy services for children 0-3 yrs can start providing services. My son’s state funded health insurance plan advised speech therapy was not a covered benefit, but it was not their policy to provide such a letter – but the Regional Center could not provide the services without said letter. I called the big guns to break the impasse – my son’s social worker, who sought the assistance of her supervisor, the children’s case manager at the Regional Center and the county’s public health nurse. I even offered to draft the letter and have them just copy it to their letterhead, but on no – that was too outside the box thinking for a government employee (I have license to make fun of govt employees seeing I am one of them). When I implored the top dog – the manager of the “customer service” unit of the health plan to help with said letter and I told her about the 10 different calls in two months to get it, she huffily said my son was just one of 65,000 members the plan served and it was not like he had had a stroke and needed speech therapy! Obvious why the customer service skills of her underlings is less than stellar! Wonder what she would say if she headed the customer service unit of my private health insurance which covers more than a million members in my state alone! For all our efforts, I finally got a letter stating that yes indeed – the insurance plan did cover speech therapy, but my son would have to re-evaluated by their speech therapist! Back to HOME. Three months after the battle begun, baby boy has another evaluation this week, but wait – we were warned to temper any high hopes that speech therapy would commence soon – the agency they contract with for speech therapy advised that they have a long waiting list and sometimes it can take two to three years for a slot to open up!!!! A far cry from the Regional Center where the Speech therapist only had one other client and we pretty much had our choice of time slots. Okay, one step at a time......

Speech therapy aside, baby boy also needs to see a developmental pediatrician. This is obvious from observations by this advocating mama and scary confirmations by his early intervention specialist. I about checked myself into a psychiatric ward after calling his pediatrician’s office weekly for a month trying to speak to the pediatrician to see if our concerns were warranted and if they were, for advise on our next course of action. The pediatrician’s “gatekeeper” would always insist that I had never called with this concern and that it was the first time she was hearing about it! I thought I was losing my mind – it is one thing to hear voices, but to actually be having conversations and vividly remember them, but the other person insists that you have never had such conversations??? Scary. Anyway, I started journaling the date, time and who I spoke with and reading my notes back to her during my once a week follow-up call before the “gatekeeper’s” memory was jogged. Phew! After two months, I never got to see or speak to the pediatrician –the gatekeeper said he is a very busy doctor (which I believe since he had to be woken up from a deep sleep last week when we went in as my son was having an asthma attack). But, the pediatrician had a good solution – I could write a letter with my observations and the observations of the early intervention specialist and he would read the letter in between patients! And I thought pen-pals was so yesterday. Anyway, I asked if he could review the notes that his “gatekeeper” had written down and give me his feedback and would you not know it – we immediately got a referral to the children’s hospital for baby boy to see a developmental pediatrician! But have no fear mama, baby boy will settle the scores for you. Last week when we had a medical emergency, my super sweet, gentle, cuddly baby boy who can never hurt a fly turned into Hercules and pummeled his pediatrician when he was trying to examine him! I know baby boy is attached to his mama, but putting the pediatrician in a headlock, knocking him in the eye and trying to jump off the exam table so that he can go into mama’s arms? He must have sensed mama’s displeasure at how hard it has been to get him the help he needs. Now if only the developmental pediatrician’s office can figure out which clinic we need to see her at – she practices at two different clinics at the same children’s hospital - one is a high risk follow-up clinic due to baby boy’s pre-maturity or a developmental clinic (neural, auditory, and processing concerns). They called me last week and told me they would call me back this week once they figure it out! Maybe we can toss a coin? I mean, it is at the same hospital and the same doctor? We are even willing to meet in the middle-on the hallways between both clinics – please just help baby boy!

Even with all the hours I have spent trying to advocate for him, we are still not getting the services he needs. How easy is would it be for foster care parents to give up when trying to deal with an unwieldly system that puts bureaucracy over the needs of the children?

Six Months Later - My Girls!

Baby girl 1 is better known as around here as Miss Sunshine. Nothing fazes her – she gets an ouchie and smiles in between the tears! She is all tom-boy while at the same time very girly! She is a fearless girl and wants to climb up on couches, beds or any high surfaces and it is not unheard of for her to try to jump down. This girl will take on the world! She has never met someone who is not a friend! She smiles and giggles, tells us long, long stories (if only we understood baby babble) and loves to read! She is just as happy playing with Big brother’s trains and tumbling with him as she is playing with her dolls or playing dress up. She does not have much time to sit and cuddle – there is just too much to explore out there! She does let mommy enjoy some special mommy/daughter time when she very patiently lets me fix her hair. We worried if she was really attached because she just loved anyone who smiled at her – she could as happily have walked away with the milkman - if we had one :) - but I think that is just her personality. She has now started crying if mommy and daddy leave her with someone else and that makes this mommy happy! She is a social butterfly and I think she will be a politician! She is skipping saying single words and is speaking in two word sentences and her favorite right now is “what’s that?” as she points to everything. She is very curious and nothing passes her by! She loves her baby sister, loves making her laugh and is oh so gentle with her. She loves helping with her bottle. She likes to make everyone laugh and always has a goofy expression to make you laugh and a permanent smile. She loves her food and can eat anything with her eight teeth! But, she will let you know if something does not meet her expectations – she will hold food in her mouth for ages and will not spit it out or swallow it if she does not like it! She is potty training and if only mommy and daddy were more consistent, she would already be a pro. She is so proud of herself! She is a smart little cookie and copies everything someone does! She can operate the remote, radio and just about everything else we would let her! She is such a wonderful child and such a joy to parent.

Baby Girl 2 – Oh my baby girl. At seven months, she has been home three months and is just the world’s best and happiest baby. She personifies an easy baby – her needs are very predictable and sleep time is a breeze – all she asks is to be put in her bed during her nap and bedtime and for one to then leave the room. She coos to herself and falls asleep within minutes. She sleeps through the night, eats like a champ and will get early wrinkles from smiling so much! She loves showing off her adorable dimples! She is very curious and could spend hours sitting on her bouncy chair watching her siblings play or looking outside. She had wanted to eat food for so long and the expression on her face when she had her first bite? Priceless! She quickly figured baby food is not all its cracked up to be! She still smacks her lips when she sees us eat – I think she knows it has to be better than her baby food! She loves watching her siblings play and is totally fascinated by her big brother – I think she likes goof balls – she follows him with her gaze and laughs and laughs whenever he makes eye contact! She is babbling like crazy, imitating some sounds and trying oh so hard to crawl. She does get from place to place by squirming and it is quite funny! She loves playing with people’s faces and looking at herself in the mirror! If she is not sleepy, she likes cuddling with mommy and lets me tickle her and inhale her sweet baby smell! She like the twins, has adorable rolls of baby fat and is a chunky hunk of love at 20 lbs. She totally personifies joy and in retrospect, we should have picked this name!

Six Months Later - My Boys!

Big brother continues to just love on his new siblings – he must be really attached because he no longer treats them like delicate porcelain! Now he tumbles and rolls with them like he does with his five year old friends and I have to remind him they are only 19 months old. Baby girl does not care – she tumbles with the best of them, picks herself up, laughs and goes back for more! Baby boy is more fragile and runs off and keeps his distance from the tornado! Big brother loves kindergarten, is a good helper at school, a kind friend and a teacher’s dream student (per his teacher who gives him “Super Bee” to take home with him on many occasions). He also introduces me to the wonderful world of super competitive parents. On back to school night, after only 1 ½ weeks of school, parents complaining that their children had not yet had Super Bee (a stuffed toy lent to kids caught being kind, careful and helpful) come visit. Twenty students in the class and 10 days into the school year, parents were already vying for first digs at the stuffed toy? He loves soccer and is a natural though he is quite clueless that he is actually pretty good! He scores goals every game, but like all his other friends on his team, he is more interested in the mud puddles and trying to catch crab in a creek with 2 inches of water! Too funny watching six boys fashioning fishing rods with sticks and string and convincing themselves that today is the day they will catch crab (all while they are supposed to be practicing for a soccer game the following day). As much as I love to watch him play, I get just as much amusement watching the dads (and some moms) on coaching from the sidelines during their matches (and all using their outside voices). Boys being boys are only interested in catching grasshoppers or figuring out which mom brought snacks for the team and what the snack is! They just want to have fun and couldn't care much about which team won - unlike their parents! Big brother currently loves all things science and is particularly fascinated by Astronomy. I am having to read up on things I learnt so long ago! He also loves nature and is gentle with all creatures, loves learning names of different birds and loves the church's garden. We are currently reading some books from Institute of Creation Research and he is in heaven! He begs for a pet rat and a dog or cat is a very poor substitute. Mommy is terrified of rats - so he will have to settle for gold fish. He also continues to be a good helper at home and constantly tries to give me a heart attack! He keeps us on our toes – he will not let his 7 month old baby sister cry and has carried her downstairs on several occasions when she woke up and mommy was not fast enough in picking her up! He has also gotten a step stool and fixed her a bottle as well as made waffles for the twins because daddy was not fast enough in getting their lunch! He is impish, cheeky, playful, loving, helpful and kind! All boy mixed in with a very gentle heart – he will be a good husband.

At 19 months old - Baby boy is still my cuddle bug! He has a million dollar smile that melts everyone’s heart and lets me cuddle him all the time! He is very attached and has a hard time when he does not have us in his line of vision during the day or when we leave him for a short time with family. He is playful, joyful, loving and gives the best wet slobbery kisses. He has finally found his voice and does not let his twin sister walk all over him by taking his toys. He loves playing peek-a-boo, cars, and is gentle, compassionate (hates seeing anyone’s tears), laughs easily and we can tickle him all day just to hear his incredible laugh! He has such a sweet disposition and even when cutting eight new teeth to add to his eight, he still smiles. He loves his big brother and likes sharing a room with him. Too cute hearing them "talk" in the dark. He knows a lot of sign language, though he does not initiate it – he just does the sign when you say the word! This past week, he added three more words to his previous one word vocabulary. Progress! And he has not yet even started speech therapy. I was thinking that it was cute that baby girl was mothering him by stepping in the gap to help him with things that we were aksing him to do – like picking up a ball or a cup. I felt like my world stopped when I realized that there might be some processing issues. He understands the different words in a sentence, but cannot put them together for a full command. He only responds to one word commands. Nothing worse than wishing you are wrong, but getting confirmation from the early intervention specialist that I am not overacting or losing my mind. So, we soldier on as we advocate for him and fight to get him to see a developmental pediatrician. There is a 6 month waiting list at the Children’s hospital – though everyone is trying to pass the buck re: whose responsibility it is to pay for the care – the Regional Center, the insurance or his pediatrician’s medical group! My head spins trying to untangle it all! Boy, do I love this child!

Boy are boys fun to parent! I wish more people would be open to adopting boys.

My kids have it in for me!

A couple of months ago, we had an assessment with a pediatric physical therapist to see if our little guy qualified for physical therapy. He had just started walking and his gait was odd and his torticollis (twisted neck in which the head is tipped to one side, while the chin is turned to the other side) which comes and goes had been evident for a week and was more pronounced. Nothing sadder than seeing a little one wobbling as he tries to walk and his neck permanently bent at an almost 90 degree angle. But would you not know it- he decided to show off for the pediatric physical therapist and straightened his neck and became more stable walking the very morning she was coming! Talk about feeling like a mother crying wolf! Thank goodness the early interventionist he sees had noted the same issues! His motor delays were at 30% and they needed a 33% delay before he could qualify for services. And true to form, as soon as the therapist left, his neck immediately went back to 90 degree angle! My children have it in for me – they will be very ill and lethargic at home forcing me to make frantic calls so that they can be seen by their pediatricians asap. And on several occasions, once we get there, they perk up and play with the doctor like they have just had a shot of pure cane juice in their veins! I am left wondering if the smile on the doctor's face as we leave means they are trying to figure out if I have Munchausen by Proxy!

So needless to say, I was a bit nervous when we had an assessment for speech therapy for the twins about a month ago. On the one hand, I am like every mother wanting to show off all that her children can do, but on the other hand, assessment time is not the time for my kids to show off to the specialists all the skills they will not show me when I am with them at home! It would be perfect if they would do a repeat performance once the specialists leave so that I am not left knowing that they need some intervention services, but I have no way to prove it! This time, Baby girl duplicated her brother’s earlier award winning performance during his physical therapy assessment and for her speech therapy assesement, said one word too many showing only a 30% delay in speech! So, no speech therapy services for her (that pesky 33% number)! But baby boy more than made up for his last performance and for his sister showing off and redeemed mommy’s reputation (can’t go around having people thinking I am crying wolf). He winked at me, merrily babbled during the speech therapy assessment and said not a single word! He did show off a little sign language, but that was about it. Way to go, my boy! Yippee, we qualify for speech therapy services for him! Now, if only we can figure out how to navigate our County’s public health insurance maze! Once I gather my thoughts, I will expound on the inner workings of a government run health insurance plan!

A dog or a Child?

Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma! You want to enjoy the hospitality offered by our penal institutions for a longer time and you are wondering what to do to ensure a longer stay. Before you is the choice to harm a child or a dog. To ensure a longer stay, choose the dog! Because that my friends is the value American society places on her children. Get convicted of extreme cruelty and torture of a child and you get a year’s sentence. But wait, you already spent 247 days in jail pending your hearing since you could not post bail and with a lot of apologies, you are released because you get credit for time served. Because a year according to the wonderful mathematicians working for our criminal justice system is really only 180 days (they count a day and night as two days)! The “hardworking” prosecutor takes works "real hard” to ensure justice is served by giving you a plea bargain even though the evidence against you is compelling and any jury could have convicted you on more counts ensuring you serve more jail time. I mean, who wants to clog our courts' calendar with pesky matters like child abuse and torture? But wait, maybe the prosecutor knows something you and I don’t – perhaps the jury would have been anxious to get over with the trial to attend to more serious matters than to seek justice for a child without a face or a voice. And boo hoo, you don’t even get a notable mention in the local papers or get your fifteen minutes of fame from your local T.V stations even though the story could have been sensational based on the degree of abuse and torture. And outrage from anyone hearing your story? Are you kidding? In between talking about the heart warming news story of the cat that was rescued by a fire fighter from a tree, the deep ponderings of who will win America’s Got Talent and outrage over Kanye West’s conduct on an awards show, your story is only but a small distraction to what is really important. If on the other hand you get involved in a dog fighting ring, you get more than your fifteen minutes of fame as your story gets covered ad nauseam and generates unprecedented hatred and public outrage. You get severely admonished by the judge as you are sentenced to two years in jail and serve 18 months of your time. You get to spend the rest of your life under the public microscope apologizing and trying to make amends and become PETA’s rallying call. Still trying to contact Pamela Anderson to organize a match to protest cruelty against children and the injustice of the criminal system as the child’s case in point happened in her neighborhood.

Stay at home baby daddy.

Last Friday, we survived my husband's first full day of his foray into the land of stay at home dads (albeit only for a couple of months). Only one phonecall to inquire where towels were - at least it was not asking where the kids were! Survival tips for all the ladies brave enough to let your husband be the stay at home dad to four children 5 years and under:

~upon your return home at the end of the day, to keep your BP in check -do not look down for any reason. Instead enjoy the super excited children who think it is Christmas - I mean every kid just loves letting their imaginations go wild as they make obstacle courses for Mommy with anything that is movable in the house! Ignore the guilty look on hubby's face as he tries to make a path for you to get into the house! Instead laugh inwardly at his feeble efforts to prioritize as he tries to figure out which obstacles create more of a safety hazard!

~ Do not for any reason fail to leave clothes out for the dear children -though it creates great comedic relief at the end of the day seeing children dressed by a color challenged father, the children might find it so yesterday being the subject of tear-inducing, side-holding laughter from mommy and the other moms as he goes to pick up their kindergarten-going brother.

~Oh so enjoy the look of utter confusion on husband's face when you ask him what is for dinner after a ten hour stint with said children. I mean, you were home all day, can't a girl get a three course meal? :) And take advantage of your husband's greater appreciation for you and accept that offer to get you a present for no apparent reason!

~Give up the need to know what and how often a child was fed - you will most likely be met with a mumbled "I don't remember" as his wheels start turning trying to remember if said child was fed! Phew for children who will not let a meal time go by without letting you know about it!

~ Do not let your one-child friend whose wife wants more children know that daddy is the new stay at home parent. The priceless look on his face upon it dawning on him that he might one day be left alone with more than one child! Worked better than any contraceptive as he resolved they are only having the one child! They have a sweet one-year old and he nearly gets a heart attack worrying that she might hurt herself when he has to watch her for a little while if her mommy needs to go somewhere.

All in all, it was a good day for daddy and the kids. They adore him and he is tireless when it comes to playing and goofing around with the kids. Part of my panhandling proceeds might get invested in some knee pads - playing horsie for hours with three kids might wear out the old knees!

My "real" son.......

Isn’t reality a funny thing? I spent the last couple of weeks semi-paralyzed with fear and worry until the sudden realization that that had not changed a thing (except leading me to my new career as the panhandling mom :). Not sure how that would look in court as we try to convince the powers that be that we are capable of raising our children and their interests are best served by being with us). Being so powerless to do anything about “our news”, I irrationally felt that I was busy doing something about “the news” when I was consumed with fear and worry. Now that I am not spending my time in tears or bent over a toilet bowl - maybe I should continue with this one - it was doing wonders to my weight loss aspirations :) - I can get back to the business of enjoying the present!

Like excitedly preparing my “real” son for his first day of kindergarten. Seriously, when asking about my children, someone asked me how my real son was doing!!!!!!! That was before she asked me if I intend to have more children of my own?????? Okay, please tell me every mother with four children ages five and under gets this question? I was able to jokingly say I could not answer her question about my “real” son since I did not have any fake ones so I was not sure who she was referring to. That did not deter her from asking the second question, but again I was able to jokingly ask her if she would have asked me the same question about my procreation plans if I had four bio children. At least I got a nervous laugh from her with my response! I did not even get excited enough to start doing my mad dance after the ridiculous questions. Because in the grand scheme of things when you are willing to give up everything and then some to protect your “fake” children, and afraid that you might lose them, what are a few stupid ignorant questions about the worth and value of adopted children.

My baby is not a baby anymore! He will not take his perfectly good “Thomas The Train” backpack to kindergarten. Instead he wants his daddy’s way too big backpack! I being the practical mom that I am, was going to remind him how much he loves his “Thomas The Train” backpack because daddy's backpack just would not work. But I thank God for a husband with forward thinking and who wants to save us the expense of future therapy - dh remembers being five and not wanting to stand out by being the baby of the five year old gang! So today we go shopping for an appropriate backpack for an oh so grown up five year old who also starts soccer today! All that before I pack up my troopers to enjoy our second camping trip this Summer. I want to preserve the memories from this stage – last month when we all went camping, everyone kept raving how joyful and well behaved my children were. They really enjoyed camping and just went with the flow with millions of laughs and giggles and not one whimper about having to be sleep in a tent. Who, you ask goes camp tenting with a five year old, two one year olds and a five month old. Me! Because I will need these sweet, sweet memories next year to tide me over when we hit the terrible twos (x2) with a younger child just a year later to keep me on my toes!

Off to a Faraway Island......

Or not! I have been dreaming nightly that I have taken the children to a far off uninhabited Island and we rough it until they are 18 years old. After which we return home and I am promptly handcuffed and led away! Not pretty, but I think worth the cost to protect my children.

Everything is out of my control and I need to get done with the uncontrollable crying that seizes me at odd moments - i.e. in the middle of a trip to the store, at work, talking to a stranger or while reading a book. I have read a lot of case law in the last week regarding the appeals process and I have not been reassured.

Bio mom and dad are enjoying our State's hospitality in some of our fine penal institutions after almost killing one child and leaving permanent evidence of physical abuse and neglect on our children. The taxpayers are sparing no expense to ensure they get good representation and they are being represented by attorneys from some of our finest law schools. Our county is sparing every expense to ensure the victims in this case (our children) are represented by a "fine" attorney who is in private practice (but who is paid by the county with taxpayer dollars) and who has had his license suspended in the past for professional misconduct. The attorney representing the county also was served with the appeal motion, but for two months, it never occured to him that the children's social worker and the children's parents had a right to know that an appeal had been filed. Our social worker also failed to verify if an appeal had been filed (public information) before reassuring us that all was good and dandy and we should sign paperwork to proceed with the finalization in October. In order to ensure that the best interests of the children are protected and to keep us in the loop - a family law attorney paid for by us out of pocket at $300 per hour! So when you see a mother on a street corner with four children in tow holding out a tin cup, please be merciful - we will be panhandling for attorney fees! Per the family law attorney, we cannot have representation during the appeals process. However, we will get our status changed to de facto parents next month so that we are entitled to get court reports.

To say we feel totally helpless is an understatement. But, that is also the place where God will show His faithfulness, because in this matter, we are totally dependent upon him. How do you advocate when you do not have a voice and the people who supposedly speak for the children have been less than stellar! All in His capable hands!

Noooooo!

Head reeling, heart pounding, feeling faint, and sick to my stomach! Describes just a little of how I feel tonight. As of this morning, we were all gearing up for the twins' October adoption finalization. As of this afternoon, we got totally broadsided when I called my social worker on an unrelated matter. Oh so matter of factly she told me that she had some news - bio mom filed an appeal and it could take a year to get a hearing! The appeal was filed two months ago, but somehow they forgot to mention this to us! I was trying to hold myself together during the phone call and all I could think about was that I needed to get off to phone fast so that I could run to the bathroom and throw up.

This was the adoption that was 99% risk free (and 99% simply because the social worker could not say 100%, but she repeatedly reassured us that it was the most risk free adoption she had dealt with). Tonight I hold my babies tighter and love on them like crazy while trying not to cry. The social worker assured me that bio mom can only appeal the process, but not the decision to terminate parental rights. Somehow, I am not reassured - how could anyone have missed that important piece of info i.e. that there was an appeal filed and that we needed to know. Hopefully tomorrow, my mind will have cleared a bit, I will not be so overcome with fear, and I will be feeling less sick. Tonight though, I am broken, silently screaming and clinging to my Lord.